Panic Flowers

This necklace is so fabulously tacky, I neeeed. It's from a US online shop and is only $9.99. Hmm, we'll see. If Natwest reimburse me with the money they've taken in overdraft fees I think I shall buy it.

Today I cooked tuna fishcakes for lunch. My terminal obsession with using very little or no oil/fat in cooking resulted in them being a little dry. I figured I'd try to compensate for this by adding mustard, paprika, lemon juice, fresh basil, peri peri spice and probably some other seasonings. Alas, this was to no avail and they were not my finest concoction. Bah. I did also oven roast some cherry tomatoes, which turned out rather better. I didn't realise up until the weekend that only half an hour to fourty five minutes in the oven on a lowish heat produces some pretty intensely flavoured semi-dried tomatoes.

On the subject of food, the second series of The Super Sizers Eat... (I spent the first series trying to fathom what the title of this program means. Why are they 'super sizers'?) starts tonight. Giles Coren is very attractive, really. Although I heard that he obsessively weighs himself, which is questionable - overly vain men are not appealing to me. However, I suppose if it's your job to visit restaurants to review (If only I could write better, I think I might like to do this) you might have some trouble controlling your weight.

I have a mad bad twitch in my left eye at the moment. I read up on it, not looking to develop health anxiety or anything but I always feel compelled to. Apparently it happens because of stress, mostly. I don't feel stressed but I did have an argument with my sister this morning.
And I'm still getting the occasional chest pain. O well, if I never post again you can be sure that this was the cause. I stopped smoking because of the chest pains I had last week.  What else is new? I'm still a bit convinced that I'm pregnant despite taking 2 tests. I'm not pregnant. But still. (Oh, I don't know why I should care to mention it but I'm not irresponsible, by the way. Just cautious. Perhaps a tiny bit paranoid about it.)

I'm pleased just now because I found a download link for the Crime & the City Solution album Room of Lights. I have it on vinyl therefore not on computer.

My book situation has got ridiculous and just plain stupid. I keep starting books, not finishing them and then spending too long deciding which to finish first and ending up reading none. In additon to this, most are library books and I keep renewing them. Then when I go to the library I find more to get out and renew.

I may be able to transfer and finish my degree at Goldsmiths University. This would help as I could live at home and commute. I wouldn't have to look for anywhere to live in Southampton for the few months I have left next year. I didn't think very hard when I was 17, I thought it was practically mandatory to go to a university far away from home. I didn't consider at all that with the problems I have it'd be more wise to be within reach of people who care. Granted, I had only a vague idea of what these problems were and some of them hadn't developed to their full extent by then. Also, I may have thought going to university would solve them, I'm sure it does for some people? I mean, solves 'shyness' problems.

My cat that had been ill did die on monday. She can'tve been in much pain as she was purring for me the day before, which is comforting at least. Lovely old doll. RIP Marie (On the left).

This website is so fascinating

thisiswhyyourefat.com/

It's just photographs of trashy cheese-loaded food, but I can't stop looking through the pages - I'm on the seventh at the moment. I don't like the mixing of savoury and sweet that's going on. Doughnut burger? Nah.



That thing's pretty but I'd bet it tastes confusing (Strawberry cream cheese, ham, chicken salad, olive nut spread (?), bread)


I'm slim but I don't think it's particularly natural, my shoulders are quite wide as are my hips. I have to eat very carefully to maintain my weight (Although at the moment I also do not do enough exercise). I've been eating more of what I want lately and I've started to put on weight. I mean I haven't been eating a lot of junk food (The guilt I feel usually overpowers any pleasure, rendering it not worth it), but I ate chips, cheesy potato skins and deep fried mozzarella last week . It pisses me off a bit that I have these things only very occasionally and it still affects my weight. I used to be properly scared of any cheese bar cottage but eh, moderation is much more fun than abstinence. I'm still extremely wary of pasta, although it's not my favourite thing to eat even if calories aren't taken into consideration. Tonight I'm going to have trout for dinner and I'll see if I can find a recipe for some kind of caper sauce to go with it. Mmm...capers.

Inspired by the aforementioned website here are my top guilty pleasures. These foods negotiate the balance between guilt and pleasure successfully enough for me to eat them.

• Mayonnaise (sry, it's light. I'm a wuss) with almost of my meals and in any sandwich I make
• Frankfurters
• Mochas - 'home-made' with options hot chocolate, coffee and sweeteners or from an over-priced coffee joint
• Chicken skin
• a teaspoon of crunchy peanut butter from the jar as a snack
• Shop-bought sandwiches. Inappropriately cold but still, I would. They could usually do with a dose of pepper, however.
• Garlic bread
• Sweets - pick n mix usually. I'm better than I used to be regarding sweets, I seem to have gone off them of late. But if I'm at Bluewater (Shopping centre) then pick n mix from Sweets from Heaven is a must.

One of the arms broke off my favourite pair of sunglasses (i accidentally typed singlasses - nice work) today. This isn't fair, I can't find a pair remotely similar. 

All of these pairs look ok, but I really have to try sunglasses on if I'm going to buy.

Fringe I cut last night.






Sorry I didn't look at the camera

Bad movies I have watched because Crispin Glover is in them

• Little Noises
• Bartleby
• Epic Movie
• Charlie's Angels 1 & 2
• Willard (OK, I know everyone likes this, but I don't. I might need to watch it when I'm not also painting)
• Fast Sofa
• (Some of) Beowulf

Mediocre Crispin Glover movies

• Wild at Heart
• Drop Dead Sexy

Best Crispin Glover movies

• Dead Man
• Rubin and Ed
• River's Edge
• Back to the Future
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape
• David Lynch's 'Hotel Room'

Crispin Glover movies I have inadvertently watched, probably before I cared, but hated so cannot bear to watch again

• Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
• The People Vs Larry Flynt
• Nurse Betty

Crispin Glover movies I have only seen clips of on youtube and can't get hold of them, not sure if I want to, or just can't get hold of

• Twister
• The Orkly Kid
• Crime and Punishment
• Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Crispin Glover movies I have lined up to watch

• The Doors (Woah, Glover as Warhol)
• At Close Range
• Where the Heart is
• Incident at Loch Ness

Crispin Glover movies I just wont watch, ok? Out of principle.

• Wizard of Gore
• Simon Says
• Like Mike

Crispin Glover movies I am anticipating

• Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (did just type Alice in Burtonland, which is probably quite accurate)

Overrated movies

• The Dark Knight

I'm aware this post isn't cute. It's 3am, I've had too much coffee and I cut my fringe earlier because I saw a photo of Jane Birkin and was inspired.

What fuckery is this? No cinemas near me are showing In the Loop. Finally something I'm enthused about seeing and I'd have to travel to London to fulfil it. Bah. In other worthy film news



I <3 The Big Lebowski

edit: Ha ha, ok. I've realised In the Loop may not have been released yet? Too lazy to look up whether this is the case or not.

I was doing some work tonight, but it has devolved to listening to The Tiger Lillies, drinking (not too many) glasses of red wine and browsing ebay for clothing.

It's not that the book I'm studying isn't interesting, I just can't concentrate when listening to music that has lyrics.

I've watched two movies in the last few days, Aguirre or the Wrath of God and Rocky Horror Picture Show. The former was uncomfortable, claustrophobic viewing and pretty scary. Klaus Kinski's presence and distinctive face seem to carry or drive the film, and his unpredictability. The latter is a favourite of mine and I am blinded to any faults it may have because I've watched it so many times and because it makes me happy to watch.


I'm going to try and get to the Latitude festival in Suffolk this year. I've never been to a festival, save for a day event at Hyde Park and Latitude has comedy, books and music. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds are playing, as well as Bat for Lashes. I hope it'll be good, but more pressingly I need to find out exactly where Suffolk is. This is pitiful for some one of age twenty two, and England is so small, I should really know.

Things I have bought this month etc

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I've just (probably, may take a bit more tinkering) completed a painting. It's watercolour but I've used them a bit like acrylics because they're in tubes. This was a good medium actually, more intense colour than other watercolours I've used before and more scope for blending and bleeding the paint than acrylics. I scanned it in and the page has curled up a bit hence some of it looking a bit blurry. The woman's face is better in real life. P.S. I've never painted animals before, so this was a challenge.




Aside from that, I'm very pleased that I came off the medication I was given. I realised that it had helped me on no account, in fact I think it blocked the adrenaline that I find necessary to get important things done. I told the doctor that I didn't feel it had helped me and she tried to up the dose. Ha. Not sure how appropriate an anti-depressant was in the first place. OK, I know they help with some people's anxiety, but I would have thought they'd be better suited to more general forms of it.  I've been off it forabout a month now and my productivity has really improved, I just feel relieved that I'm able to study again. I spent a lot of today and yesterday doing it; my confidence is slowly improving. Even that I've managed to finish a painting is an achievement for me, I think the last time I managed to was at least two years ago. I just wish I knew some more people around where I'm living. It's rural, I don't drive, I don't know where to meet people.

I need to go and see the new/old Blake exhibition currently showing at the Tate. Not that I'll meet any people there.

I sent a letter to Natwest today requesting that they return the £635 that they have taken from me in overdraft fees over the past five years. I'll just have to see how they respond, but as I do have a genuine case for financial hardship they bloody well should respond in the positive! If I get it I can put off getting a job for a while longer. I also really want a Vivienne Westwood handbag (Yes, not a specific one in mind. Just a nice one, not with multicoloured harlequin print), I saw one go for £67 on ebay today which I probably should have bid on. But I would've had to borrow the money and that's not something I prefer to do. That reminds me, one of the texts I'm writing on is Herman Melville's Bartleby. 'I'd prefer not to'. Yes, polite and passive resistance to participation, I know thou well.

The new PJ Harvey (and John Parish) album is making me very happy indeed. A lot of it is rather beautiful. Some of it is bizarre. Taking Polly's other albums into consideration, I'm actually surprised it has taken her this long to woof on record. It isn't altogether coherent - some sweet and tender songs, others racked with anger. 'Pig Will Not' caused me a few problems upon first listening, I just found it too ugly I think. I've warmed to most of the tracks now.  Polly really is a wonder and I can't believe it's 18 years since she released her first album, at the age of 21. I've always found her lyrics beautiful, enigmatic, raw, funny, even. 'A Woman a Man Walked By' is more of the same, yet she manages not to repeat herself.

I've got an almighty girl-crush on Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. She's just absolutely perfect, voice included. She comes across as really grounded in interviews too, which just increases the fuzzy feelings for her. I was looking for a photo of her in which her breasts are in proportion to her head, but I doubt one exists. No matter, it's actually the face/hair I'm more envious of.




Also, I just love Mad Men. I've never been a big fan of American drama shows, however the dialogue in Mad Men is beautifully written. It's so far for from being realistic, and I'm severely doubtful that everyone was so achingly witty in the 1950s/60s but it is both so contained, and repressed at other times. I was surprised to see Mel from Flight of the Conchords on there the other day, I had no idea that she did any straight acting. She carried off the catty secretarial air that pervades the show very well, I thought.

Talking of Flight of the Conchords, I've just finished watching the second series. I'd heard that there were quite a few mediocre reviews of it floating about and it made me wonder whether these people actually even liked the first series, because I found it to be just as funny. In fact, although the songs didn't seem as polished as in the first series (This makes perfect sense, they'd been performing that first batch of songs for years and had more time to perfect them), I thought that the characters were more developed and I was in straight-up hysterics over the lines more frequently. Rhys Darby (Murray) was a particular joy.

Here's all of the purchases I've made this year so far



Primark pussybow polkadot blouse, £3. I was so pleased with this, I'd been looking for one like for a while. Skirt is from Motel - not sure if I got it this year or last. Velvet skinny belt on sale from Urban Outfitters, £7.99


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I don't really write in this because things don't seem to go so well for me, and whining about it doesn't seem too productive. Once again, I am not graduating this year and it hurts a lot. I haven't failed anything, I don't know what my grades even were for what did get handed in. Since the first semester started in October things have got a lot worse for me regarding writing essays/panicking about writing essays/despising and panicking in seminar classes. I couldn't get everything done and am going to do the second semester next year. The social anxiety, however, is a lot better. I feel far more confident about my personality and don't have the feeling so much anymore that there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. I still get physical symptoms of panic when I talk to most people, though. And I am finally having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy! Don't see exactly how that's going to help with the academic panic, however. The exercises I've been given to do are more related to social anxiety - I went out on Friday night and had to talk to a few strangers. This went ok, it's really the getting past that stage that I can't manage very well - i.e initiating friendship. Far too terrified to do that

One definite double-edged sword of this panic disorder is that it's elusive. Because I am outwardly 'normal' much of the time - when I'm not having a panic attack (although I get the sense that people can see fear in me when it's there: in my eyes.), people seem to have a hard time believing there's something seriously wrong. Because there's no occular proof there just seems to be more scepticism, or just an attitude that those with mental health problems are somehow responsible for what has happened to them. I mean responsible in the sense of bringing something on oneself. I don't see how I'm any more responsible for what's happened to me than someone with a physical disability. Then again, perhaps it's better that it can be hidden when necessary - I wouldn't tell an employer about it. FYI, I don't get panic attacks much at work. Not to the point of them being debilitating anyhow. I have mini panic attacks sometimes when people try to do small talk with me. I hate this, I think it's because I never learned how to manage talking about the weather. BUT, I've only ever had retail jobs and I suspect that I don't panic because there isn't much intellectual pressure - I don't feel quite as inarticulate as I do at university. (Another FYI - The inarticulacy happens because not enough oxygen is getting my brain - blood is instead rushing to legs, arms and heart in preparation for flight)

It's also so difficult to pinpoint why this happens, I'm trying to uncover possible causes still because then I have a chance of getting better? But with me it's not just one straightforward problem - it's panic attacks and social anxiety and avoidance. Those three seem to work together to keep me in vicious cycles of terror, loneliness, zero concentration, anger etc. But it's odd because one minute I feel like this is such an enormous problem that will never allow me to function as I should. At other times I think it should be so easy to recover from. And I have imagined a few times before that I was completely well, because when I don't have anxiety I'm am most definitely not depressed and I feel like I should do, like myself. It's sort of torturous to have these glimpses of normality, because I also get the sense of how much is going to waste, or how I could be living, or what I could have achieved. I feel like I've got more potential - because there are things I've done well at before; when I could concentrate on something for longer than ten seconds. Maybe it would be easier if I had just never been successful at anything; the uselessness I feel is intensified by the sense that it could have been different, and that perhaps I'm not naturally useless at everything in life. I want to blame the panic disorder when I feel worthless because when I've been able to concentrate, I have achieved

By the way, I have had this for years, but because there's more than one part to it it's not easy to say when it/they developed. It got particularly bad when I started my third year at university because I was living in a house with 5 strangers that I had nothing in common with and who I perceived to be hostile towards me (Although they probably weren't, just indifferent or perplexed). I had panic attacks every single day that I lived there, could not ever concentrate on work and had to suspend uni. I am going back in October to do my third year and a few circumstances are different that should make it easier for me. Namedly, the fact that I only got this diagnosis in May and only worked out in that month what a panic attack actually was and that that's what I'd been experiencing for nigh on 7 years. The university also know about it finally and have an explanation for my behaviour. Yes, at least I know what's happening to me now, I didn't understand before. And I know to ignore the symptoms and not try to fight them because that only makes it last longer. So here I am again thinking that it may be ok when I go in October? I might be able to recover now that I know what it is that's wrong. Please?

There just seems to be so much ambivalence with this. I wish people (I just mean people around me, those I come into contact with) knew about it because then they might be less likely to judge me as stupid, slow, unfriendly, distant, snobby, inconsistent, whatever I've been called, and they might understand how why I act the way I do sometimes. But at the same time I don't want it to be widely publicized that I've got these problems; I find it intensely humiliating as it is. I feel as though it marks me out as weak or a coward. How weak of spirit do you have to not be able to attend a seminar class without having multiple silent panic attacks? I feel so degraded by it, I feel subhuman. This is quickly descending into a rant. I don't like melodrama actually and I hate that whenever I talk about this panic disorder others might think I'm being melodramatic or relishing it, or in any way shape of form enjoying it. But misconstrue away because it's difficult enough for me to piece together this big panicky puzzle: I don't expect anybody else to be able to do so.

I've not achieved an awful lot this week, but



Hmm. This is noteworthy, surely.

Actually a few other things have happened to me this week. I was out shopping on Wednesday. In a sweet shop I started to see fuzzy lights in front of my eyes and proceeded to collapse. Oops. I came to pretty soon and luckily Chantelle from Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago was on hand to wait with me while I called my friend. At this point I wasn't particularly coherent, it confused me for a while. I think it was dehydration that did this, it's happened twice before. Worst was in the middle of a gig and I was hemmed in by the crowd. I couldn't see anything but coloured lights for a while and had to navigate my way out of there. But I didn't actually black out that time, so this is a nice new development. My coccyx is still suffering :(

I've spent most of the rest of week 'recovering' from this incident but have managed some ebay profit (About £100 for everything I sold in the past week. Who needs a part-time job? Um, well I do when I run out of things to sell.)

I've also been cooking quite a lot but recipes usually require ingredients that I don't have/don't have the cash for so I just use whatever we've got. My family had a barbecue today; my mum and dad were brought up in South Africa so like to think they are experts on them. I made a greek salad with beef tomatoes and fresh oregano but the feta was pre-cubed so not as fun. I also roasted a butternut squash which turned out properly gorgeous and barbecued some asparagus spears which were also lovely. But the best thing I've cooked this week is baked hake with chorizo, cherry tomatoes and spring onions, a baked sweet potato and an egg, spinach and olive sauce (A bit like a cross between a hollandaise and an omelet). Hake has such a delicious flavour, it's definitely in the running for being my favourite fish. I wish I had a decent camera so I could take artistic photos of the food I cook - I'm not sure if it's the I use camera that makes my meals look blurry or my ineptness as a photographer. Oh well, the dishes will just have to be imagined until I can (be bothered to) figure this one out.

Oh, on the subject of food - I've become addicted to sweets again which is pretty disappointing. I hadn't really eaten any sugar since the end of March, I must have had a sweet or something a few weeks ago and the floodgates have opened. Yes, I'm 21 and pick'n'mix is pretty humiliating at this age. BUT as snacks go, sweets aren't high in fat (like chocolate and crisps) and I haven't put on any weight, which is quite miraculous although I think it's because I've been substituting a few of my daily portions of healthy food with sweets. Grapes, however, are like a fusion of fruit and sweets; they're beautiful and I easily munch my way through them as if they are sweeties.

I also altered these awesome green boots that were a bit Dick Whittington when I bought them - wide and padded of calf :/ I took out the foam padding (Blame New Look for ever thinking that boots need any kind of padding around the calf) and took them in at the back and they are very wearable now.  I would post a photo of them but the study in our house is a junk depository and doesn't take well to being in photographs.

Hate not having a job. No one wants to employ me because I'm going back to uni in October and because I've got a holiday of just over two weeks booked for the end of July/beginning of August. I'm trying for a temporary one, but no luck so far. I've just been selling on ebay and amazon marketplace to support myself, but I'm running out of things to sell. :/ It's horrible having no money, most things that are fun aren't free. I'm going to sell some of my Nick Cave records (I must have about 30 including Birthday Party ones), and as he's in vogue at the minute and they're mint I think I'll do ok. I'm only selling the ones I don't like so much; Nocturama, No More Shall We Part and Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus. No way in hell I'm going to sell The Boatman's Call, Let Love In, Your Funeral My Trial etc. Here's my ebay wants list


Awesomely cute tea flask


Bento Lunchbox


Birthday Party t-shirt. I've been looking for a decent one for years, and this one is just sublime. I'm only not too sure about walking around wearing a shirt that has a swastika on it. It's worth it though I think.

Today I'm a bit hungover and have been eating everything in sight. Mostly fruit, but crisps too. I've just watched My Neighbour Totoro (I loved it, Catbus :D) and am going to watch The Darjeeling Ltd in a minute. Other films I've got lined up to watch: Citizen Kane, No Country for Old Men, The Cat Returns, The Lady from Shanghai, Eraserhead, Persepolis, Bottle Rocket...
Only I'm fidgety and find it hard to sit through and concentrate on films unless I'm at the cinema. And even then only if they're good. Argh, I'm annoying.

I'm not going to find out whether Sarah Beeny has a dating site or not, ok? Does she own it? Does she frequent it? I'm curious but defiant. They're trying to get my attention, and I'm not succumbing. (Just in case that makes no sense at all, there's an advert that comes up every time I write an entry and it's at eye level and is bothering me.)

I'm very sexually frustrated at the minute and keep having awesomely sleazy dreams that make me feel slightly guilty for being unfaithful in the unconscious (Haha, not really. Doesn't count if it's only been dreamed about). I saw the band name Gogol Bordello just now and it brought back memories of a dream I had last night. Ag, jesus. Singer is nice. I actually get to see my boyfriend this Wednesday though, even if it's not for very long. I haven't seen him since the 8th and it's too long for my liking.

I also get to go to the university library which is exciting in a different way. I've been reading Thomas Hardy - Tess of the D'Urbevilles and now The Mayor of Castorbridge. I like the tension between the natural world and humanity in his novels, and the ethereal/otherworldy element that never veers into the supernatural. Next to Jean Rhys he one of my very favourites. I've got to pick up some more Philip Roth from the library though, also awesome. In an acerbic way. If I have enough ideas I may switch my dissertation topic from Jean Rhys to Thomas Hardy but it means coming up with an interesting take on his writing. And I like my current theme. I started a painting of Jean Rhys a few weeks ago, although only really because I couldn't sleep and thought it was vaguely productive. Will post a photo of that if it gets finished, or even if it doesn't.

I need this t-shirt very badly. But shitfuck, I don't have £35 to spare. I wish I'd never seen it!
The colour, the sequins, the swan, the fit! It's all perfect.

Last night at Tate Modern was mighty. Lovely ambience (They're telling me I've spelt that wrong but I'm sure I haven't.), fantastic music and Nan Goldin's photography is...in requirement of a new sentence. It was a slideshow of images that all had individual emotional significance/undercurrents and so to see 100s of these intimate photos one after the other was engrossing but emotionally draining. Many stories, or photographs that make you ponder the story behind them. And not little stories because they're naturalistic and are of people she has known, which only adds to the transfixing quality. If that sounds a bit odd or stilted; I don't know an awful lot about photography and am not that good at describing the effect it has on one. But I've tried.
Patrick Wolf was also very good - particularly impressed with the way he moves so fluidly between instruments. And he played Afraid by Nico. This makes me happy. Desertshore by her is one of my favourite albums of all time and I feel that people overlook her a lot. Her lyrics are often simple yet beautiful and emotionally evocative. Her voice is amazing too, I love audible/noticeable accents, and her voice is so pure somehow.

Charity shopping was largely unsuccessful because they seem to be so expensive in London. This is unlikely, but if anyone reads this and lives in the South-East/London and knows of any good charity shops please do tell. Although if you wish to keep that kind of sacred information to yourself I'll understand too.

I'm pretty devastated that I don't get to go to any festivals this year. The line-up for Latitude is mighty and I am experiencing mighty bouts of anger whenever I see it referenced. And the one that's held at the Kent Hop Farm and has Neil Young and Primal Scream. Being a charity case has its upside however and I was treated to this eyeshadow the other day. It manages to be purple, grey and gold all at the same time and is heavenly. I also scored a nail varnish that shines both green and blue. Colour makes me happy. This photo encompasses both my face and my eyeshadow.

This is my first attempt at making sushi. It's tuna and cucumber, and avocado and cucumber maki. It came out pretty nicely I think, but I didn't cook the rice for long enough and it wasn't quite sticky enough to coagulate and hold together in clumps. Picking up individual grains of rice with chopsticks is no fun. I would eat sushi every day if I could, this is part of the reason why I decided to start making it myself. Yo Sushi is an expensive habit if you visit frequently enough. My favourite is probably tuna sashimi - there's a delicacy of flavour that is lost when tuna is cooked. Salmon, however, I prefer cooked. It tastes a little bland to me in sashimi form.

Otherwise, I got offered an extra part in the new Richard Curtis film playing someone's girlfriend. The filming of it is today, and in Weymouth so regrettably I can't go. My agency told me that the photographs I've got up aren't quite right (There's a door-crack in one of them :/), so once I've got that sorted out I may get more offers of work. Oh and I've got an interview for a part-time job in a library next week, which I'm kind of hoping I'll get. They probably wont like the fact that I'm going on holiday for over two weeks at the end of July though, not to mention that I'll be going back to uni in October. These are such constraints on me finding work at the minute. I'm pretty penniless and am living off money made on ebay. I did learn to use my sewing machine this week, at long last. If I can get some patterns and some nice fabrics I'm hoping to be able to sell some home-made clothing on ebay. I was originally thinking jewellery might be a better option because there seems to me to be not much good quality interesting pieces on ebay, and almost no one I know in real life has heard of Etsy. Plus most of the sellers on there are based in America. But considering I have a sewing machine and am quite sure that I know what will sell, I think I'll stick with the clothing idea for now.

This weekend I am:

• Going decent/cheap charity shop hunting in London
• Seeing Patrick Wolf and Nan Goldin show at Tate Modern
• Visiting Brighton tomorrow for the London to Brighton 2CV run, good weather permitting
• Still mourning the loss of Raef from The Apprentice. Is it worth watching now? I'm gunning for Lucinda to win, but it'll blatantly be someone that Sir Alan identifies more with, like Michael. I think Sir Alan admires him for his step on anyone to reach the top attitude.

I went out last night. I don't know, I never have much more to say after I've been out than 'I went out last night'. Nothing exciting happens to me when I go out. I'm probably going to the wrong places. One thing though, how's this for a tactful brush off for men?
'Can I have your number?' '
I don't know it off by heart, sorry'
'Can I give you mine?'
'I don't have any paper to write it down on'
Pleased with both of those.

I'm in the luck at the moment, I think. As well as having seen The Tiger Lillies, The Crimea (I'm a long time Davy Crockett fan. And I will persist with calling him that. They're still The Crocketts a bit to me) and Ween this year, I'm going to see Patrick Wolf next week. Joy of all joys. And not only is it Patrick Wolf, but a slide show of Nan Goldin's photography is accompanying. I've loved her work since I was 15! And in the turbine hall at Tate Modern, AND the tickets were only £18 a piece. This goes some way toward making up for me having tickets to see PJ Harvey last September but having missed it through my own negligence and stupidity. Patrick Wolf is the male PJ Harvey to me, and yes that is intended as a serious compliment. I've seen PJ Harvey live before but I was still sad that I missed her playing piano and playing songs from the magnificent White Chalk. Now I must see Tom Waits to complete the Julia's favourite artists septet (haha, that's not a word, surely). PJHARVEYTOMWAITSNICKCAVELYDIALUNCHWEENTHETIGERLILLIESPATRICKWOLF